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How to Survive in a Horror Movie

Rated: 
G

*When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

*If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.

*Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as ajoke.

*If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

*Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

*If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

*If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

*If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

*As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.